Houghton Lake Resorter | Assertiveness Is Not a Bad Word: Why Speaking Up Matters
“We are not assertive; we are a team!” This exact statement was uttered in a meeting that included healthcare providers, managers, and executives. For context, an employee had told their manager that they were going to work on being more assertive. Several minutes passed with all of us looking at one another, deciding who would explain what it means to be assertive – or so I thought. Instead, one of the executives asked if we could use a different word instead. As if assertiveness was a politically incorrect curse word. Perhaps others sat mute because they were as dumbfounded as I was at this suggestion; that’s what I was hoping was going on. After people started to offer other words I knew I had to speak up and be, well, assertive. I explained what assertiveness means, what it doesn’t mean, and that there is nothing wrong with using the word or engaging in the behavior. It was one of those times where I genuinely thought for a moment that I was being pranked.
There are many reasons why people struggle with what it means to be assertive, much less behave assertively. A general definition of assertiveness includes communicating your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a clear respectful way. Simple, but not easy. Many people confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness. Others believe that there are only two options, being passive or being aggressive. Some combine the two and engage in passive-aggressive behaviors. While all of these are forms of communication, they have very different roles and goals. Assertiveness involves expressing your needs while being a “team player.” Passive behavior is aimed at pleasing others by being a “peacekeeper.” Those who are aggressive act like bullies with the goal of wanting to “win” the situation. Passive-aggressive behaviors are aimed at punishing others indirectly by behaving as a “silent resistor.” We must also be mindful that certain backgrounds, cultures, and religions teach and encourage certain communication styles over others.
A fairly common scenario can help bring these different forms of communication to life. Imagine you are paying for items at a store and the cashier gives you the wrong change. A passive response might be that you say nothing and walk away. Afterall, you don’t want to create a scene or make the cashier feel bad. If you behave aggressively, perhaps you loudly berate the cashier for making a “stupid” mistake (chances are you have seen this in action). A passive-aggressive response can include saying nothing to correct the situation and then making negative comments on social media about the business. An assertive response entails bringing up the mistake in a polite, respectful way and requesting the correct change.
Why does assertiveness matter? It’s not just a communication style, but a wellness skill. It allows us to advocate for ourselves by setting boundaries and expressing our needs. Our relationships and our well-being are affected by how we communicate. If our pattern is to say nothing in an effort to keep the peace, bully others to get our way, or do things to spite someone, emotional and physiological stress becomes a routine part of our lives and takes its toll.
As for that meeting, the manager who railed against their employee for wanting to be “assertive” never did quite understand the meaning. Instead, they ignored the employees’ needs and engaged in even more overbearing behaviors. The employee did not feel valued or respected, and you can imagine the outcome.
Assertiveness is that goldilocks zone of communication where someone stands up for their own needs, wants, and feelings, but also listens to and respects the needs of others. It takes practice and can be uncomfortable at times, especially if it is a new behavior. Using “I” statements (“I believe you gave me the wrong change”), practicing saying “no” clearly and respectfully, and starting with low-stakes situations to build your confidence are good places to begin. You can only control your actions and effort, so be careful not to interpret a less than desirable outcome as a failing. Increasing assertiveness and boundary setting are common goals for clients engaged in professional coaching. Keep in mind that support is available and you don’t have to make these changes alone. If you would like to gain more insight and strategies for increasing assertiveness, please reach out to me for more guidance!
Dr. Stacey R. Gedeon of Roscommon County is a clinical health psychologist and founder of SRG Healthcare Consulting and Professional Coaching, PLLC (srghcc.com). The content of this column is for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice or services in her capacity as a licensed psychologist. If you have suggestions for future topics on managing everyday challenges, please submit them to drgedeon@srghcc.com.